As the taut, frost-bitten nips of winter inch closer and closer to the Emerald City with torrential bouts of rain, local furniture foragers are lamenting the inevitable end to this year’s wild couch hunting season.
“In springtime round here, you’re sure to find an ottoman or two just on a quick jaunt to the ol’ Biscuit Company,” said local Fremont resident Obediah “Cookie” Adams. “Biggest one I ‘er caught was a 260-pound, 7-foot sectional. She was a beaut: Sherrill Custom English Rose Three-Cushion with a Plinth Base. She had a big scratch down the center cushion – just covered it up with some duct tape. Good as new! Brought her back to the commune—kids love it!”
By this time in the year, though, Adams says all loveseats, sofas and armchairs have either been hunted down by others or have scuttled back indoors for winter hibernation.
“I s’pose a local wild couch hunter like myself might be selling his grass-stained goods at the Fremont Farmer’s Market this weekend,” Adams said. “Personally, I just prefer spotting ‘em out in the wild myself. Point of pride, I guess.”
In the meantime, Adams says he’ll be waiting until March to scour local neighborhoods for his next big couch game.
“Next year I’m going for the biggest feller of them all: A quirky, floral-patterned vintage type covered in cat hair missing a minimum of one leg.”
