In honor of being the first United States president to comemmorate Indigenous Peoples’ Day, today President Joe Biden treated himself to a little genocide.
“I’ve been a trailblazer these last four years, which included me being the first Commander-in-Chief of this country to celebrate Indigenous Peoples’ Day, a day we highlight how resilient Native people are for somehow surviving generations of this country’s efforts to wipe them off the face of the Earth—so brave of me,” said President Biden as he picked up the phone in the Oval Office. “So, I think you’ll all understand why I feel like I’ve earned ordering in a little genocide of Palestine tonight as a treat. You can’t be good all the time! Yeah, could we do the youzhe? A couple dozen Boeing firebombs, hold the Geneva Conventions, with a dash of Manifest Destiny.”
Many took issue with the president’s indulgence today though, saying he’s been ordering in more than just a little genocide every now and then.
“You didn’t hear it from me because I work at The New York Times and I don’t want to get fired, but a few inside sources are telling us he’s been ordering it in every day for more than a year now,” said one anonymous source in the White House press corps. “He does it while wearing his Dark Brandon sunglasses though so it’s actually really funny, clever, ironic and cool! Funny because it’s like, omg, some people really think he’s actually that evil, and he clearly is, but, obviously only if you don’t remember he was the first president to recognize Indigenous Peoples’ Day.”
At press time, President Biden was reportedly already planning to also treat himself after doing a little hurricane disaster relief with some Middle Eastern oil.
