After years of trying to get a confession of douchebaggery out of local Libertarian Chase Dickerson, his liberal friends are reporting today they finally have it.
“At approximately 10:08 a.m. today, Mr. Dickerson of his own volition submitted for the record that a more accurate and direct description of what he is politically is ‘asshole,’” said longtime Democrat Chris Wilson. “This confession has been a long time coming and I want to thank and congratulate my fellow progressive friends for sniffing out and countering every bit of his bullshit rationalizations for not paying his fair share of taxes.”
Dickerson also released his confession in a brief statement shared with local real fake news media.
“When it comes down to it, I’m all about live and let live – socially liberal, but fiscally more conservative than most conservatives. But I’m also all about live and let die a horrible death at the hands of a sociopathic version of capitalism quickly giving way to more oligarchy and authoritarianism every day,” said Dickerson’s statement. “I used to say that as a not-racist, economically privileged white man there’s nothing I can do about unregulated capitalism going off the rails like that – it’s just how it is. Today I admit that’s just how it is because I don’t really have much of a problem with the way it is, it’s mostly working for me, and I will not therefore put much effort into changing it. I’m an asshole.”
His statement also admits that although he doesn’t want to pay his fair share of taxes and will definitely be voting yes on all four initiatives one hedge fund manager from California bankrolled to get on Washington’s November ballot, he will be throwing a fit if he becomes a carbon copy of Elon Musk and doesn’t also receive billions in federal subsidies.
When asked why they were still friends with Dickerson, Wilson confessed they probably shouldn’t be.
