The City of Seattle put years of debate to rest today when it finally and officially conceded that Portland is definitely the better major Pacific Northwest city for thousands of people across the nation, especially Californians, to move to.
“It’s way past time we finally end this confusing, age-old argument for people planning a potential move to the mossy and very VERY rainy and depressing Pacific Northwest for some reason—moving is stressful enough on its own,” said City of Seattle spokesperson Emma Bishoff. “So, as much as this hurts to admit, Seattle is officially conceding today that Portland is definitely the better city in the Pacific Northwest to move to, what with its bottomless Froot Loot-covered donuts, actual NBA team, free-range pedal pubs, river jet-boats and million-times-better Japanese garden.”
Thousands of people across the nation currently romanticizing a move to an urban yet outdoorsy place in a relatively affordable, liberal area expressed the relief Seattle’s concession gave them online.
“I’ve been going in circles with this pro-con list for moving to either Seattle or Portland this whole year with no end in sight,” posted current San Francisco resident Jenny Gleason on Reddit. “It’s so kind and humble of Seattle to help people like me out with this new information. They even confirmed there isn’t really anything that cool about the ferries, Pike Place Market, living between the Cascades and the Olympics, or views of ‘the mountain,’ whatever that is. I’m moving to Portland’s Pearl District next week!”
As of this afternoon, the City of Portland had already filed a lawsuit against the City of Seattle for allegedly slanderous praise and reckless promotion to prospective PNW residents saying “having the Seahawks is better than having the Trail Blazers and they know it.”
