Despite years of diligent searching, local cryptozoologists report they are still struggling to produce evidence of Seattle’s mythical “Defunded Police Force.”
“We’ve had no luck so far,” said paranormal investigator and cryptozoologist Will Barnes. “Not so much as a blurry photo in any city budget document. But we’ll keep looking! Sure, skeptics love to point out that the defunding ‘never actually happened,’ but us true believers are doing our part to keep the legend alive!”
Dating back to the early 2020s, the legend of the Defunded Police Force ranks alongside Sasquatch as one of the most-discussed local cryptids. Folklore suggests the creature appears whenever the mere idea of defunding the police is suggested by even a single protestor. Alleged eyewitness sightings are particularly frequent on the Seattle City Council.
“I saw it myself, just look!” claimed Councilmember Bob Kettle, presenting journalists with a crudely-rendered pencil sketch of a policeman turning out his pockets as a small moth flies out of them.
Councilmember Rob Saka agreed, adding, that he is absolutely sure it lives and wails on in the haunted walls of City Hall.
“I think we can all agree the only way to bring this majestic force eternal peace is hiring at least a dozen cops dumber and more casually murderous than Seattle pedestrian killer Officer Kevin Dave, who SPD hired despite knowing he’d been fired and had his driver’s license revoked in Arizona,” Saka said. “It’s the only true path to collective peace and safety for all, including our timid and underappreciated Defunded Police Force who we all know always runs away scared at even the slightest offensive mention of better police hiring standards and accountability.”
At press time, the City Council was hoping to soothe the Defunded Police Force with another offering of retroactive raises and bonuses but, according to experts on the cryptid, it will most likely not be enough because it’s never enough.
