After making the unprecedented decision to completely end all in-person public comment in Seattle City Council Chambers, today Council President Sara Nelson said she’s confident everyone will love the policies they’ll now pass instead from a secret bunker.
“While some of you may still be a little upset that I’ve completely ended all public engagement on city legislation as we know it because some disobedient rapscallion coughed after I clearly told everyone to shut the fuck up at the last council meeting, I promise you’ll love what we get done when you’re not able to watch us discuss or pass new city policies at all anymore,” said Nelson while momentarily surfacing from the bunker entrance beneath her desk for comment. “You guys are always so stressed out anyway whenever you watch us—minus Tammy Morales—hand over the entire city budget to a corrupt, lazy and unaccountable police department for some reason, so just don’t worry your pretty, little faces about it anymore! We may have spent most of the year looking like a bunch of airheaded business lackeys who seriously have no idea what we’re doing without having our hands held at all times by our corporate donors but trust us—we got this!”
Noting recent animated testimonies from gig workers and sex worker advocates about policies drafted by Uber and the ghost of Jerry Falwell, respectively, Council assured residents they’ve heard the public’s feedback and will definitely use it to inform all future policies they pass from their heavily fortified underground dwelling.
“There’s simply no need to worry that a council hiding from the public eye as much as possible will enact policies that don’t benefit you,” Nelson said. “So if everyone could just go back to whatever you were doing last fall instead of voting for other council candidates who think the public’s input has any value in the legislative process, I think that’s what would clearly be most fun and beneficial for everyone! Now, please let me freely chain-vape down here in peace while I craft laws you’ll love that mercilessly crack down on all these out-of-control drug addicts.”
At press time, local restaurateur and Tanya Woo fundraiser Ethan Stowell had reportedly emerged from the secret bunker in a cloud of vape smoke bearing a handful of desserts for the public after Nelson graciously said she wanted to “let them eat cake.”
