The delight of a dazzling SeaTac fireworks display quickly faded tonight when local spectators realized that the colorful explosions illuminating the Independence Day night sky were actually just malfunctioning Boeing planes attempting to make routine takeoffs from Seattle–Tacoma International Airport.
“We always take our kids to see the fireworks on the 4th, and I told my wife, ‘Hot damn, honey, they’ve outdone themselves this year!” said Normandy Park resident Benjamin Cross as Katy Perry’s Firework blared nearby. “Next thing I knew, landing gear smashed right through the windshield of our Subaru Forester.”
The spectacle was not a complete mistake, however, as Boeing said it had actually planned ahead of time to make its malfunctioning planes a little more festive for the holiday.
“At this point, we know most of these things are gonna blow up right after takeoff, so we try to have fun with it and pack some red, white, and blue coloring underneath the fuselage to give the folks on the ground a good show,” said Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun. “We almost got the Starliner people to come down in time to be part of the show’s finale, but they selfishly want to stay up there making funny helium leak voices forever, I guess. It’s like no one wants to die anymore.”
At press time, Boeing said it wished everyone a happy Independence Day as its C-suite and all of the country’s worst people celebrated freedom from ever experiencing any serious consequences for being shameless sociopaths.
