After heated political rhetoric about conservatives’ Project 2025 plans allegedly led to political violence over the weekend when former president Donald Trump was almost assassinated, today one local MAGA man wanted everyone to know all people like him are looking for is the freedom to take away all your freedoms.
“The media and left-wing politicians have gone too far in villainizing people like me for supporting Trump—look, I’m just an ordinary guy who openly supports the end of any semblance of American democracy and the beginning of an uber-patriarchal theocratic Christian fascist state,” said longtime MAGA man Ben Reich. “Is that really so bad? I just want to be able to restrict a woman’s right to birth control, be able to force her to have my baby even if I raped her, control her ability to get a fairly paid job, and make it nearly impossible to divorce me if I don’t want a divorce. Everyone needs to just chill. At the end of the day, we’re all just humans who together will one day start every day kissing a framed nightstand photo of Dear MAGA Leader.”
Reich said he hopes the media stops exaggerating and maligning the reputation and intentions of people like him who he says are merely on a patriotic quest to have more freedom to control everything about the lives of people who are not Christian white males.
“All of this talk about MAGA, Project 2025 and President Trump as the next Hitler is so offensive and needlessly incendiary,” Reich said. “Like, give us some credit: We plan on our fascist reign lasting way longer than the Nazi regime despite the dismantling of so many government programs we’re even planning to defund NOAA and the National Weather Service so you no longer have the freedom to even know much about the weather.”
At press time, Reich said he needed to excuse himself to have lunch with some other totally normal MAGA pals to talk about what other words and phrases they would forever like banned from public life in addition to the already planned Project 2025 bans of terms like “diversity,” “sexual orientation,” “gender equality,” “abortion,” and “reproductive rights.”
