After someone told them that a boat full of pirates have been terrorizing the city of Seattle every summer since 1950, today the U.S. Coast Guard torpedoed the pirates’ Moby Duck boat as it headed to Alki and proudly proclaimed “so that problem is finally solved.”
“All it took was pushing one button, so I don’t know why it took us more than seven decades to protect Seattleites and their children from a bunch of angry, saber-rattling pirates taking over the city every year, but rejoice Seattle: It’s finally been handled!” said Coast Guard Captain Peter Wright. “You got it hand it to them—they took Seattle by so much surprise every year we always forgot to plan a counter-attack. Not this year though. Got ‘em!”
The Coast Guard said it was especially proud that the children of Seattle would never have to run away from them screaming again.
“Generations of Seattle children have had weekends of peacefully collecting sea shells on the beach interrupted by these rude swashbucklers and we’re sure they’re happy they’ll never have to see those pirates emerging from the water screaming arrrgh again,” Captain Wright said. “Captain Kidd and Davy Jones were clearly some bad guys no one ever wanted to see again and we’re glad to clearly play the good guys in whatever spinoff sequel of the Pirates of the Caribbean tells this story. Audiences always love the government-sponsored military most in these pirate stories, right?”
At press time, Seattleites were wondering if the Coast Guard had ever heard of these other guys who terrorize Seattle every year called the Blue Angels.
