Wondering why so many women around the world are limiting themselves to basic unpredictable threats such as a man or bear, today Sasquatch reminded them they have better options and should set their standards higher for woodland cryptids such as himself.
“You know the monster you’re getting here,” said Sasquatch with a rose in his mouth, laying propped up on one elbow in a head-to-toe mane of hair Burt Reynolds himself could only dream of. “Indeed, the entire cryptid community is actually very up-front about whether or not we will devour people. However, neither I nor my Yeti friends nor the ancient Plesiosaurs in our deep lakes would gaslight you.”
The perks go on in Sasquatch’s Bumble profile: As a pescatarian, he’s also not afraid of a low-carb or a sashimi dinner. His waxing budget is not a secret: It’s absolutely zero. And just last month he gave safe-haven to the North Bend Zebra, who he now considers a dear friend.
“We Sasquatch don’t live in a world of flags at all, so I do not have a single red one,” he said. “We are cryptids, not into crypto. I’m searching for prey on AllTrails, not sidepieces on Tinder.”
While his primary residence in the Gold Bar area offers serenity and a short trip over the pass to skiing and beers in Leavenworth, Sasquatch also says he would never put a lucky woman in the position of declining to go hiking on a first date.
“I always let women choose the off-grid area in the middle of the forest they most feel comfortable meeting up in for a quick bite to eat.”
