Millions of Americans celebrated Independence Day today by patriotically packing everything they own up and moving out to live on their own in Canada.
“You babies all think you’re so independent blowing up fireworks when the real test of independence is blowing up your life here in America and moving to Canada where Netflix doesn’t even have Parks and Recreation or It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” said Chris Frankel waiting in a line of Americans backed up to Ferndale. “I’m basically heading into the Burnaby wilderness here. I don’t really know what I’m gonna do without The Gang, but if I’m truly an independent American, it’s time to find out.”
Many of the Americans moving said the reason it’s time to find out is a nauseating mix of awful Supreme Court rulings, knowing Biden can’t beat Trump after the debate last week, and five cold brews this morning.
“I’m just hopped up and optimistic today to believe I’d be safe in Canada if Trump wins because he would never just like take Canada over or something as a fossil fuel-hungry dictator or anything—plus the Royal Canadian Mounties up here are too fearsome to fight,” Frankel said. “I’ll always appreciate that America gave me the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, aka universal healthcare and livable wages in Canada.”
Regarding the sudden mass exodus, the United States released a statement to those fleeing, saying “You’ll be back, soon you’ll see, you’ll remember you belong to me, time will tell, you’ll remember that I served you American football well. And when push comes to shove, I will send a fully armed battalion to remind you of my love.”
At press time, the rest of America was packing their bags for Canada anyway after discovering what VPN is.
