After achieving the impossible dream of making a new friend as an adult, one local man confessed today that his desire for a new buddy has been completely replaced by a deep fear he will now be invited to a local improv show.
“When you a meet a great new girl, your first fear is always how soon she’ll want to get married and have kids and, naturally, when you meet a fun new dude to hang out with, your first fear is that he’ll ask you to watch him perform at a local improv show,” said Adam Peters as he turned off all notifications on his phone. “It’s only a matter of time, I can feel it: Any day now just like all the other friendships I’ve had that moved too fast I’ll be getting a text from Patrick saying ‘Hey, I’m doing a little show this weekend—wanna go and meet my improv friends after for beers?’ so he can test how much I’m really into him as a bro. And it’s just like, whoa, we’ve only known each other for three weeks—can we go a little slower? I haven’t even met your dog yet. It’s gonna be a whole thing—I know it.”
Peters said his paranoia of the potential major ask from the new friend he recently made at work did not come out of nowhere and that his fears are not unfounded.
“Last week Patrick corrected me pantomiming a phone call with my thumb and pinky saying that it was an unrealistic way to hold a phone—that’s a telltale sign of improv object work,” Peters said. “How do I know that? From a former friend who guilt-tripped me into way too many of these and I now hope is Yes Anding in hell. And, as if that all isn’t enough to make me worry, Patrick lives in Fremont.”
At press time, Peters could not be reached for further comment because he was reportedly running late for his slam poetry jam rehearsal.
