Citing a drastic need to discourage transplants, Bellingham has officially changed its name to West Moses Lake in a last-ditch effort to further deter the influx of over 357,000 new residents daily.
“We wanted to make sure that no one, ever, at all, would want to move here,” said city council member Falcon Steamhouser on the city’s recent name change. “We considered other options like Renton, Yakima, even Gotham City, but Moses Lake just felt right. We knew we couldn’t half-ass it with something like Lakewood or Walla Walla, so we really busted out the big guns on this one.”
In addition to the name change, reports have also indicated that the city has adopted a rigorous testing policy to ensure the authenticity of current residents.
“We’re just doing routine checks for government-assigned Birkenstocks, Chacos, wool vests, Pendleton flannels and Subarus that every resident is gifted from birth,” said Chief of Police Rolo Knickeltoff. “As long as folks have those or an acceptable number of Eddie Bauer or Patagonia substitutes, they’ll be ok.”
At press time, a grassroots Seattle group had already began gathering signatures for a petition to change the Emerald City’s official name to New Cleveland while the Tri-Cities community of Kennewick is reportedly going the opposite route by submitting paperwork for a city name change to New Austin-Denver.
