A report released today after a thorough overnight research study of Aurora Borealis confirmed that rainbows are in fact going to need to level their shit up around here from now on and fast.
“Rainbows’ playtime lighting up only a tiny sliver of the sky with color is over,” said local photographer Henry Mitchell as he captured an entire sky over Seattle lit up by the Northern Lights. “And it’s not just photographers who are sick of their half-assed little light shows—I heard the LGBTQ community is even talking about replacing the rainbow flag with an Aurora Borealis-inspired one that displays an even wider spectrum of all colors blending into each other.”
Feeling the solar storm heat this weekend, Rainbow spokesman Callie Connor assured sky phenomenon lovers new and exciting updates to their prisms of light the next time it’s rainy and sunny at the same time.
“You know how we always said there’s gold at the end of the rainbow, but there never was—it was just a marketing gimmick that got millions of people chasing down a location and treasure that never really existed?” Connor said. “Well, now you will always be able to find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because one of the ends is going to now always be in Bill Gates’ back yard. You’re gonna have to figure out how to break in and get it yourself, but it’ll technically now exist. We’re also exploring the possibility of quadruple-rainbows and building a real Rainbow Road Raceway.”
Unsatisfied with its attempts to become relevant again, the entire Pacific Northwest announced they’d be moving on to another cloudless day followed by a night sky of swirling Northern Light colors until rainbows stop giving pots of gold to billionaires.
