Today a local couple who has killed no less than 17 houseplants in the past year was overjoyed to announce that they’re finally ready to bring a baby into the world.
“Making this momentous decision to bring something so beautiful and full of life into our household is so exciting,” said hopeful father-to-be Jack Tupp as he cuddled his wife Janelle next to a parched Pothos plant rotting on the windowsill. “We’re sure we’ll be just as excited to do whatever it takes to care for the precious, fragile little life once they’re here for years to come. Honestly, we’re hoping the IVF treatment gives us five babies to bring home all at once, because why not?! I’m sure we’d figure it all out like that time at Swanson’s Nursery we couldn’t decide between the Monstera, Fiddle-leaf Fig, Ficus, Hoyas, or Calatheas so we just took them all home at once. We kept them all alive for two whole months—pretty good for us!”
The couple, who has allegedly drowned at least seven succulents, said they’re already having so much fun getting the house ready to start a family.
“I can’t wait to begin setting up the nursery once we make room by getting rid of all these dead houseplants,” said Janelle, who somehow even made an air plant a casualty this year. “You’d be surprised how complicated it is to take care of plants. They need water, they need sun, they need to be a certain temperature range—so picky! And if you don’t give that to them for even a day or maybe sometimes 15 while you’re in Bali they can get all dramatic and die. Like, omg, give me one human baby to take care of for 18 years over 17 houseplants any day!”
At press time, the couple said they’re hoping for a girl because their favorite baby names so far are Fern, Lily, and Orchid.
