With Gov. Jay Inslee’s blessing, this week the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife announced its plans to re-introduce giant, hairy bears to Seattle’s Capitol Hill in hopes to return the habitat to its former full glory.
“You used to not be able to turn your head in this rainbow-studded wonderland without grazing your face past the fuzzy, cuddly chest of a giant bear,” said wildlife expert Rick Reynolds. “In the last few decades, their numbers have tragically dwindled as they were increasingly replaced with invasive tech bros and other transplants. While many twinks and otters native to this area remain and seem to be thriving, we think this area’s breweries, pizzerias and cupcake shops could benefit from an intentional re-introduction of bears with the sexiest, bristliest beards you’ve ever seen.”
Not everyone is on-board or ready for more bears to be living in their neighborhood, though, no matter the proven benefits of adding them to the environment.
“I don’t know – what if they hunt and take all of my gym bunnies? That’s exactly what happened when they re-introduced a pack of wolves here a few years ago,” said concerned Capitol Hill resident Troy Wheeler. “There’s a lot of bear-chasers here too, so they’ll probably be taken off the market here quickly anyway.”
At press time, Fish and Wildlife said they hope by next year to begin increasing the population of Capitol Hill’s bears as well as many adorable cubs.
