Despite stiff competition from the greatest actors in the world, tonight Israel won the Oscar for Best Performance as “Victim” in Ongoing Genocide, which it also self-directed.
“Sorry, Bradley! This one’s all ours,” said a soldier who proudly rode a dead Palestinian child’s trike onto the Dolby Theater stage to claim the award on behalf of Israel. “We want to thank the producer of this performance, Israel Prime Minister Bibi Netanyahu. Families like mine for blocking humanitarian aid at every checkpoint as hundreds of thousands of Gazans starve to death. My talented actor colleagues who are always there to play dress up in the underwear of mothers we’ve murdered with me to destress from this high-stress performance as the one and only True Victim in this harrowing drama. And, of course, I want to thank all my friends abroad who suspended their disbelief enough to believe that there could ever be any rational reason to slaughter this many innocent people, most of which are women and children. Thank you! Thank you!”
Before Israel’s big win tonight, they got to high five castmate the United States when they won the Best Supporting Actor Oscar in the same production of Ongoing Genocide for its role as “Enabler.”
“Oh my gosh, it’s such an honor to accept this on behalf of the United States and every other white blonde lady who’s promoted this over the last five months,” said Amy Schumer. “I hope I’m an inspiration for all the other white ladies who are in complete denial about how their unhinged racism literally kills innocent people every day. See you guys later at the IDF after-party fundraiser! I know we can do better than just $14 billion measly US tax dollars!”
At press time, England was receiving a lifetime achievement award for fucking over and fucking up more cultures and countries for generations than any other country in the history of human civilization.
