Look: It’s Opening Day and the Mariners are looking fine and crisp in their new uniforms for the first game of the season. It’s understandable that you’re tempted to rekindle your roller coaster love for these players, but you know if you do you’re just headed for another round of inevitable disappointment. Don’t do it, gurl!
What you need is some professional pickleball and these five other sports that’ll never break your heart the way the Mariners do:
1. Pickleball: Low expectations of every player are so built into this game it’s virtually impossible to be disappointed watching or even participating in this game. You’ll absolutely love how you never have to get your hopes up about anything remotely exciting happening.
2. Cheese rolling: Watching countless numbers of people fall on their face while chasing a giant cheese round is pretty much guaranteed from the start and, unlike when the Mariners fall on their faces at some point in the season, it’s awesome and pretty much the whole point of watching it.
3. Zorbing: Insulate yourself from the pain of watching a team you’ve loved your whole life by watching people climb into inflatable balls and go downhill in a way that makes people cheer, not drink themselves to sleep every night of October.
4. Buzkashi: The national sport of Afghanistan and Tajikistan, this game is basically horse polo but they play with the carcass of a dead calf or goat instead of a ball and, oh—oops, yeah this sport is kind of distressing to watch too, don’t know how this one got in here.
5. Toe wrestling: Sick of watching Mariners games so cringe your toes curl? Then toe wrestling is definitely a better option for you. In this sport, there’s no anxiety about who wins because everyone doing it is already so clearly a loser.
6. Quidditch: This is another great sport where the disappointment you feel about grown adults taking a fictional child’s game this seriously is so built in from the start, there’s no way you’ll be blindsided by them suddenly being even more pathetic in your eyes. We’re all Miriam Margoyles here, right?
And there you have it! Six whole sports that you’ll never actually like enough for them to profoundly disappoint you.
