After months of asking for a more updated and reliable way of testing whether they’re infected with the latest variant of Covid, this morning the CDC announced it was officially replacing at-home testing kits with a more accessible sneeze-and-see approach.
“Simply put your face about a foot in front of a healthy person’s and splatter at least four drops of nose matter onto them by sneezing,” said CDC Director Mandy Cohen. “Set a timer for about 2-3 days and check to see if there’s any pink lines bulging out of their eyes as they cough their brains out yet. If so, you definitely have either Covid, RSV, a late-winter cold, allergies, or just someone who never wants to talk to you again.”
Americans praised the CDC for the much more affordable and convenient testing option, which also works just as well at the office.
“I used to have to pay for tests and either wait for them to come in the mail or go to the pharmacy myself,” said Bill Wallace, who’s never used a sick day in his life. “Now I can just turn my coworkers into my very own free testing kits and never even need to miss a day of work doing something dumb like isolating to keep others from getting sick or fully and quickly recovering with at-home rest.”
Next week the CDC is reportedly rolling out even more at-home testing options including coughing straight into someone’s mouth.
