After years of struggling to recruit enough assholes into its ranks, today the City of Seattle said it would be adding Teslas to its Seattle Police Department’s cruiser fleet.
“It takes a lot more than giant salary bonuses to attract more of the kinds of officers who sit on their ass for 20 minutes after a shooting with a victim is called in,” said SPD Chief Adrian Diaz. “It takes even more than the free housing Seattle City Council President Sara Nelson proposed this month. It takes offering the kind of toy today’s assholes are already experts at tailgating, cutting off speeding and creeping up on people in. We need the kind of racist, brainless, Neurolink-ready so-called tech-bros who really believe an emerald mine-nepo-baby like Elon Musk when he says Boeing’s problems are all because of DEI programs.”
Although the police department will be starting with some classic Tesla models added to the fleet, Chief Diaz says they are looking into adding Cybertrucks next year as well.
“I think that will take our recruitment to the next level because those babies won’t just be running over pedestrians, but regular drivers in their cars as well,” Chief Diaz said. “Basically, every call will be a Monster Jam show of sorts, which is really all these five-year-olds stuck in grown men’s bodies have ever wanted.”
As a back up plan, SPD said it was reportedly also adding a few literal Monster Jam trucks to the fleet and starting some officer recruitment directly from Tacoma Dome shows.
