A recent surge in women deleting all of their dating apps to instead spend time cuddling in bed with a different kind of furry pal has local pet shelters running dangerously low on cats and fearing what happens if they run out soon.
“Look, I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen to me if I run out of long bois and chonky loafs, but after seeing the desperate rate these women are adopting, I’m not sure I want to find out,” said visibly shaken Seattle Humane operator Chaz Bostwick who recently had to invest in shelter bouncers to help keep the daily crowds of adopters at bay. “After too many men inevitably space on making Valentine’s Day plans, I’m afraid that if we don’t get a new shipment of cats from out of state by the end of the week we may completely run out of toe beans.”
Asked why women aren’t just adopting dogs at record numbers instead, NEKO Cat Café and sanctuary operator Teresa Ming said they’re too emotionally available for this crowd of women.
“Look, these gals just spent who knows how long on dating apps completely hooked on emotionally unavailable players—you can’t just quit those kinds of games cold turkey,” Teresa said as she adopted one of the café’s last feline floofs. “Think of cats like a nicotine patch for women who need to learn not to chase and let the love come to them when it’s ready. Or just finally get sick of that shit in a few months, and then they’ll begin a run on dogs.”
In the meantime, local breweries are increasingly reporting that the feral cats they get as pest control from programs like the Alley Cat Project and Barn Cats R Us seem to be getting stolen from unprecedented numbers of feral women.
