During an ill-fated effort to improve its operations and earn back the public’s trust after Alaska Airlines said loose bolts were found in several of its 737 MAX 9s, today several fingers were unfortunately severed at a Boeing all-hands safety meeting.
“I was in line to get coffee and snacks when I heard people screaming and saw a spray of blood from the front of the line,” said machinist Lisa Garland about the meeting at the Renton plant this morning. “Apparently, the caterer’s bagel slicer blade had been installed backwards, so when downward pressure was applied it was going through people’s hands instead of the bagels. Several people had noticed that the slicer was defective, but were told to keep the line moving and not warn others so that we wouldn’t miss the CEO’s safety speech.”
Garland said the bloodshed somehow did not end at the bagel, muffin and coffee line.
“During the meeting, all workers were instructed to put out their hands on their tables so they could be slapped by a nun’s ruler for being the entire reason this company’s safety reputation is going down the tubes, not the executives who keep pushing for faster production with less safety oversight,” Garland said. “Unfortunately, it seems some of the nuns who’ve been waiting to do this for years since it became illegal to do it to children got a little overzealous and, well … things got even messier. I think we all learned our lesson though—not necessarily about anything regarding actual safety, but that as lowly worker bees everything is always our fault because it’s us who are all rotten at our core. That always turns everyone into better people. I still have no idea what that defiant jazz maraca dance music experience afterward was all about though.”
At press time, Boeing CEO Dave Calhoun said he was glad workers had learned their lesson and hoped that the safety of Boeing’s aircrafts improve enough that he can once again try to lay off 900 safety inspectors against union wishes.
