After it was widely reported that it took 20 minutes for Seattle Police Department officers to arrive at a shooting scene with a victim less than five minutes away, SPD Chief Adrian Diaz says they’ve been able to drastically speed up response times ever since telling officers there’s coke at every crime scene.
“We’ve already been able to cut our response times nearly in half simply by telling dispatchers to convince every officer there’s definitely an extra unsnorted line sitting around somewhere nearby,” said Chief Diaz at a press conference this afternoon. “How did we come up with this genius idea? Well, when Officer Kevin Dave drove 75 mph to a supposed cocaine overdose call through a high-pedestrian traffic area last year, killing college student Jaahnavi Kandula, we had two thoughts 1) Let’s definitely keep this guy on-board and 2) how can we harness his brainless drive to haul ass to a location with cocaine at it no matter the literal impacts to anyone else? Also, we finally watched Training Day last month and thought, wow, we’re kinda behind on this.”
Chief Diaz nonetheless praised the new strategy for improving local crime response times as innovative and a great use of existing resources.
“It’s usually pretty hard to get cops to actually do the hard part of their jobs and not just rush to a scene where more essential paramedics are already at even if they’re getting paid more than $300,000 a year,” Chief Diaz said. “Turns out all we needed to do was get more strategic about using our own stash of confiscated illegal drugs.”
Despite the rapid increase in response times and rates, Chief Diaz said his department is still going to need an extra $30 million funding boost to cover the cost of all the pedestrians who will need to be sacrificed to make the city safer.
