In a move many suspect may be an unproductive way to get President Joe Biden re-elected, today Rep. Nancy Pelosi ordered the FBI to confiscate every Millennial and Gen Z voters’ Pokémon card collections while publicly asking what “them bitches” were even gonna do about it.
“Look, I know two things for sure right now no matter how many times you yell ‘ceasefire’ at my events: One: You’re gonna vote for Joe Biden this fall, Two: Democrats like me and Biden can basically do whatever the fuck we want right now, including shipping all your precious Jigglypuffs to Guantanamo Bay,” said Pelosi. “And what are you gonna do – cry about it to Donald Trump? Didn’t think so. Maybe if you behave and stop going out to all these pro-Palestine demonstrations like I asked you to and vote for Joe Biden this fall like good little boys and girls, you’ll get them back. If not, trust all y’alls Charizards will be getting charred.”
Intrigued by Democrats’ wildly unprecedented, uninhibited, and unhinged power-grabs that have recently gone as far bypassing Congress completely, young voters took the opportunity to ask if the same seemingly unchecked power could also be used for things like codifying reproductive rights, canceling student debt, and finally funding universal healthcare
“Sorry, no-can-do – funding Israel’s universal healthcare system and genocide of Palestine is pretty pricy. Priorities, people, priorities!” Pelosi said. “But you know what? If you send enough donations my way, I’ll act like I might really ever do any of those things right up until Election Day. Sorry—real post-Election Day action is reserved only for people at that AIPAC level of funding that you’re probably never gonna get to.”
At press time, Pelosi was also threatening to take away young, pro-Palestine voters’ allowances from Russia so they can no longer afford their daily pre-protest avocado toasts.
