To allay fears that too much would be changing after the announcement that private equity firm Blackstone would be buying Seattle-based Rover.com for a stunning $2.3 billion, today the company’s future owners announced renowned dog industry expert Cruella de Vil would oversee the acquisition.
“I can assure you that all of the employees and, most importantly, the dogs that made this company what it is will be just as taken care of after the acquisition process is complete,” said de Vil in a statement. “So will dog owners who will soon be able to take out equity loans on their priceless best friends—isn’t that nice? As long as everyone pays back their loan installments and fees on time, they’ll get their dog back at the end of their walks every time. And—you know what? Even if you don’t, we’ll still take care of your dog in our own little way. You can take that all the way to the bank if we ever have to foreclose on your good boi.”
Rover.com’s gig economy dog walkers, however, are beginning to wonder if they’re about to be replaced by new technology.
“Today the app just wanted me to supervise a drone walking a dog and make sure it didn’t try to fly away with it—and it did,” said one dog walker who spoke anonymously with us. “I wound up needing to leash the drone itself and walk it all the way back to its Downtown headquarters myself. It took forever too because it kept trying to piss on every poor person it saw. By the end, I was completely soaked.”
As of press time, de Vil’s first move to boost productivity at the company was a mandatory dress code update requiring all dog walkers handle canines with long elbow-length black or satin gloves bought at their own expense.
