Lauded as the most exciting scientific discovery of the decade, an all-male material sciences lab has announced Jergens Daily Moisturizer for Dry Hands can be used to restore and replenish dry skin in addition to the intended use of beating your dick dumb.
Lead UW researcher Lucas Elgort credited the groundbreaking discovery to an international joint effort amongst several labs sprawling both hemispheres.
“It truly is a testament to the value of diversity and inclusion. If it wasn’t for the brilliant minds of these men collaborating across the globe we may never have learned you can hydrate rough and cracked skin with the same substance used for decades to milk our hogs dry. Truly no one could have predicted this,” Elgort stated from the two-story research facility void of any female presence or perspective.
Edgar Lopez, PhD, of Club de Chicos University Theoretical Physics Department reportedly launched a dozen new trials with promising results.
“We were stunned to find lotion can be used on the entire body and not just for cranking your meat lever,” Lopez explained from the women’s restroom used by staff for meditation breaks and storage. “I believe we are at the dawn of a scientific revolution all due to the myriad of voices we now have working together. Just today we were able to confirm ottomans are suitable for resting feet and not just piling dirty laundry. My wife was left speechless when I called her to explain the exciting results and I believe the public will be too.”
At press time, German contributing researcher and explorer Hans Gunther was in search of the highly elusive human clitoris and could not be reached.
