In a desperate attempt to raise King County’s sad, off-year voter turnout, poll workers for the November general election are being tasked with physically dragging voters to their local drop box.
“We’re not messing around, you ingrates,” said Julie Wise, Director of King County Elections, as she bench-pressed 250 with “MUST” and “VOTE” emblazoned across her knuckles. “The ‘I Voted’ stickers didn’t cut it. Smearing CBD oil on the drop box handles was a flop. And the bikini-clad poll workers just kept shivering and whining about how cold it was. So, obviously, the only other option to get these lazy voters involved is publicly handing out concrete Korean spa butt scrub treatments.”
Although some say the new practice of lugging eligible voters to drop-boxes goes too far, most people surveyed said they approved of the new service as something that finally makes it easier for them to vote.
“Remembering to fill out a ballot mailed straight to my home and then having to step outside my home by as much as five feet away from my front door toward a mailbox was all getting to be too big of a hassle,” said Kyle Dolt. “Being pulled by your hair, ear and/or britches saves time, too, because you can actually fill out your ballot the entire time you’re literally getting dragged for not voting on your own yet. You have no idea who you’re voting for or why, but you do get it done, and that’s what matters.”
If this new voter-turnout strategy doesn’t work, King County Elections’ last-resort plan for next year is contracting world’s top Scary Dad, Liam Neeson, to just stare people down until they cast their ballot.
