After years of holiday dinners spiraling out of control at the inevitable mention of anything slightly political, today the nation’s relatives enjoyed the most peaceful Thanksgiving in years when they all agreed they hate President Joe Biden, and then absolutely did not at all get into why.
“After last year’s lavender Ivermectin butter fiasco, we all agreed that—just for one day—maybe we could all hold it together and have a nice time by agreeing on the simple things, like the fact that Joe Biden sucks, and then immediately changing the topic,” said local mother Rita Hemsworth. “And it worked! I’m so relieved we’ve finally found something that keeps the peace at Thanksgiving—can’t wait to see how beautifully this works again at Thanksgiving next year!”
Rita’s son Joe agreed and said this is the first Thanksgiving in years he’s been able to drop his shoulders and bond with his dad.
“We have our differences, but sometimes all it takes to emotionally reconnect with your dad again is to look into each other’s eyes, say ‘Fuck Biden,’ then very quickly and awkwardly change the topic to sports as fast as possible,” said Joe. “In that beautiful moment, I can imagine my dad is a good person who can’t stand Biden because, after consuming so much World War II and Holocaust history, he of course hates a president that is currently enabling and funding another genocide—because Never Again means Never Again for anyone. And he can imagine that I hate Biden because I would never want the cancellation of my currently insurmountable student loan debt to result in my father remotely paying his fair share of taxes.”
At press time, the nation’s families were drawing even closer in a peaceful glow of holiday cheer as they agreed they also all hated Target, and again just didn’t get into why.
