In a national address tonight, President Joe Biden re-affirmed that the United States will continue its unconditional support for Israel even as it began bombing East Palestine, Ohio today.
“We’ve got Israel’s back no matter what—so if they want to begin leveling some puny Ohio town that reminds everyone of a toxic train derailment and giant domestic environmental disaster I never quite had the balls to fully confront myself, far be it from me to stop them,” said President Biden, placing a hand on the part of his chest where a heart reportedly is located. “Quite frankly, it’s anti-Semitic to stop them. Oh—and because I’m tying this $100 billion military aid package mostly for Israel to Ukraine’s aid package—opposing America’s unconditional support of Israel also means you’re an anti-Ukraine Putin-lover.”
Biden promised he’s pushing to reduce civilian casualties as much as possible after Israel had already killed more than 4,000 in Palestine’s Gaza Strip in just one week of bombing.
“Look, no one wants to kill civilians here—but sometimes when intelligence confirms Hamas is hiding in people’s refrigerators and using people as human shields, they all just gotta go unfortunately,” Biden said. “Don’t worry, though: I’m fighting to get as many Americans out of there as possible. I’m also ensuring a generous humanitarian aid package to each survivor of one entire $25 Starbucks gift card.”
Requests for comment on whether President Biden would finally make his first visit to East Palestine now that it’s officially a war-torn area he could sound brave about traveling to were answered with an email introducing The Needling to the press contact for Pete Buttigieg.
