In a gracious show of solidarity between the nations, today Israel agreed to a temporary ceasefire on Gaza so that its closest ally—the United States—could fully focus on denying its own history of genocidal occupation for Thanksgiving this week.
“We really appreciate Israel doing us this solid—it takes a lot of energy even during a normal year to deny and downplay the crimes against humanity that created our own country,” said U.S. Secretary of State Antony Blinken. “There’s turkey pardons, big fancy dinners that imply Native Americans actually gave us everything we have today on a silver platter, still not paying back literal debts on broken treaties. There’s sitting through all 3.5 hours of Killers of the Flower Moon and doing your best to believe a 49-year-old Leonardo DiCaprio is pulling off playing a 28-year-old character, and telling yourself our theft of indigenous people is all in the past. So, let’s just say adding in the denial of another live genocide we’re literally bankrolling in the Middle East is just a lot for one Thanksgiving.”
Thanksgiving dinner hosts all across the nation lauded the temporary façade of humanity the countries agreed to put on for the rest of the week.
“I can’t tell you how relieved I am that my dumb daughter who thinks it’s a big deal that 14,000 people were just slaughtered in the last month alone by U.S.-made missiles or something isn’t gonna have to pressure anyone to support a ceasefire this Thursday,” said local mother Debra Schumer. “She’ll get here, we’ll act like we were always supportive of a ceasefire or whatever blah blah. And then we can just have a nice, peaceful Thanksgiving dinner of only suppressing conversation about how America not only has never fully repented for its genocide of the indigenous people who tended the soil we’re standing on for thousands of years before us, but is still killing them off in countless ways to this very day.”
Asked by reporters if the temporary ceasefire was also declared to exchange and release hostages, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu said, “Uh, yeah, that also!”
