Faced with questions about how it’s even physically and financially possible to jail more people arrested for illegal drug use while the King County Jail is already bursting at the seams, Seattle City Councilmember Sara Nelson assured her colleagues extra cell blocks always exist in her backyard shroom hallucinations.
“You may not know this, but I’m a very experienced mycologist, and I can actually build anything including extra-dimensional space to incarcerate people if I’m tripping on the right shroom,” said Nelson as she championed a new drug bill that increases jail time for public drug users. “I realize it may seem slightly hypocritical that I’m so passionate about putting illegal drug users behind bars when I am proudly and not even secretly one am myself, but let’s get real: The real crime we’re talking about here is not having enough money to have a home to do this kind of stuff privately.”
Nelson further extolled how – far from restarting the drug war locally – the new drug criminalization bill would help people overcome addictions to dangerous and often fatal substances like fentanyl.
“In my hallucinations, all the years of research proving that people addicted to drugs are far more likely to die and become even more unstable presences in the community during and after incarceration aren’t real anymore,” Nelson said. “Spaces that look exactly like jails are just magically renamed ‘drug treatment’ et voila! It’s a win-win for me and everyone else who doesn’t want to actually pursue any reality and public health-based options for addressing homelessness, people suffering from severe mental health issues, and rampant drug addiction.”
Should even her psychedelic backyard trips run out of jail space or be deemed illegal themselves, Nelson assure her Council colleagues that there’s always extra space at one of her Fremont Brewing facilities in a drunken stupor.
