Following a series of coordinated attacks on extravagant sailing vessels across the world, today one orca pod escalated their assault on the 1% after commandeering an Independence Day fireworks boat and pointing the pyrotechnic cannons at Jeff Bezos’ new yacht.
“We were setting up for the 4th of July show when suddenly an orca leapt onto the boat, fin-slapped me across the head and took control of the cannons,” said pyrotechnic engineer Stephen Gustaffson, recounting his story back on shore. “Then the rest of the pod jumped aboard, tied the crew up in a fishing net and tossed us into a lifeboat as they drove away. And I know this sounds crazy, but I swear it looked me in the eyes and clicked ‘I am the captain now.”
Shortly after the seizure of the fireworks barge, the US Navy received a morse code message from the leader of the orca pod listing their demands.
“Our demands are as follows: 1) get your human boats out of our ocean, 2) release all the orcas from captivity and raze the aquatic prison known as ‘SeaWorld’ to the ground, and 3) some of that nice smoked salmon from Pike Place Market,” said the orca pod’s leader Janice, in a morse code message sent to the US Navy. “If you comply, all humans will be granted safe passage to the nearest harbor. If you refuse, the one called ‘Bezos’ will receive express same-day delivery to the bottom of the ocean.”
Marine biologists later revealed they may have discovered the orca’s next move in the conflict after noticing another pod beginning to gather in the Gulf of Mexico near the location of the SpaceX launch site.
