This weekend Capitol Hill residents were shocked to discover that the Volunteer Park squirrels—long known for their utter lack of fear and ravenous taste for children’s snacks—have now shifted their sights to parents’ sweet rides.
“We were used to them coming right up and snatching food straight out of Jaydyn’s hands,” said local parent Emily-Beth Carson. “We’d taken to throwing his organic soy mango puffs in a zigzag pattern, trying to lure them away from his stroller. But this time, it wasn’t the puffs they were after. In short, if anyone could let us know if they see a new charcoal Subaru Forester being driven by a pack of crazed squirrels, we would appreciate it.”
Seattle Parks and SPD are discussing creating a joint task force to address the sciurine carjackings and if they have any connection to a ring of Discovery Park squirrels—once satisfied by goldfish crackers—who now knock people down from scooters and ride off without them across the Ballard Locks into the Golden Gardens sunset.
“I’ll admit that maybe we weren’t taking people’s complaints squirrel heists too seriously at first,” said Parks spokesperson Martin Gleese. “The squirrels have always stolen people’s food. When were we supposed to draw the line—when it started being full picnic baskets? When they first starting stealing Solowheels? Let’s be honest: It’s impossible to take Solowheels seriously. We didn’t realize just how far they would go.”
In an unrelated story, authorities are also investigating a series of break-ins at a Pike Place Market roasted nut stall carried out by burglars driving a charcoal Subaru Forester.
