Today local straight LGBTQI+ ally Kayleigh Klayton announced at Seattle Pride today that she really needs everyone to know she has their backs no matter what and, just as a reminder, she’s actually very, very straight.
“I am here to cheer, but I am not queer – did everyone hear that?” said Kayleigh as she stood up on a nearby chair for all to bask in the glory of her rainbow bedazzled “ally” shirt. “Love is love, but I just want everyone to know I could never be lesbian or even a little bicurious because – ugh, I can’t even imagine! For me, personally, um, gross! But you guys go for it! Today is to celebrate all that you are and—no offense—all that I definitely, definitely, definitely am 100% not. Love ya!”
Whether in denial of her own actual sexuality or still yet-to-be purged homophobia, gay friends Kayleigh came to Pride with said they’re doing their best to not tell others “I don’t know her.”
“I swear to god if she explains to another person why kissing another girl in college to turn her boyfriend on isn’t even slightly gay I’m gonna –,” said gay friend Austin Hayes. “Even if she is completely straight, she needs to learn even being mistaken for being part of the LGBTQI+ community is actually a high honor only an idiot would deny.”
At press time, Kayleigh had reached the world record for telling people she only kissed a friend after margaritas once in support of the LGBTQI+ community and Katy Perry and that’s it.
