After the weekend’s annual Fremont Solstice Parade reminded them of “how much Seattle loves bicycles,” today Lime Bikes announced a flash sale on their entire Seattle fleet of electronic velocipedes.
“This sale definitely has everything to do with how much Seattle is passionate about green modes of transportation, and not the thought of how much direct crotch sweat and vaginal juices are thickly coating every one of our e-bike seats right now,” said a simultaneously smiling and shuddering Lime CEO, Rick Everson. “We were totally going to replace them all anyway, definitely, so yeah: Head on down to anywhere a Lime Bike has been in service for more than three days and take it home for only $FREE.99! All you have to do is sign a legal waiver in the Lime phone app that we’re not liable for any STDs acquired by people who don’t wash the seats down with entire bottles of both rubbing alcohol and bleach.”
Seattleites were seen scrambling for the e-bikes all over the city in the rain as Lime reminded people that one day of precipitation would not be nearly enough to wash the seats down.
“Look, we know these bikes look pretty new and in good shape because they’ve not been in circulation any longer than last year’s Fremont Solstice Parade,” Everson said. “Trust us, though: You don’t want to be another woman suing us over how they’ve been suddenly impregnated by some vegan baker they’ve never met named Larry.”
At press time, all unclaimed Lime Bikes were thrown in a torched wooden ship reportedly sailing toward Velocipede Valhalla.
Photo (with alterations by The Needling): Fremont Solstice Parade 2018 by Joe Mabel CC BY-SA 4.0
