Lemonade in-hand as grandchildren gathered around his porch rocking chair, today Seattle native Allan Smith happily reminisced on the days of yore when Seattle residents were actually able to purchase the homes they did drugs in.
“Enough skag to kill Shamu and a median house price of under $200,000 with a statewide average annual income of $52,000—those were the glory days of Seattle,” Smith recounted to his enthralled grandchildren. “A man could smoke reefer, spike up, or at the very least mix up a bunch of prescription pills in a bowl and boof them to see what happens in the safety of his own home, apartment, or well-fortified gazebo. Nowadays 90% of folks can’t so much as afford a yurt within a 100-mile radius of Seattle to quaalude in. It’s a damn shame.”
Smith then dove into what the future likely holds for the progeny of his progeny, now listening to him with even more rapt attention.
“The way it’s headed, you little tykes will be selling your kidneys just to huff Elmer’s in a honey bucket, and even that might not be enough,” Smith said as he fondly tussled one child’s hair. “Don’t worry, though—I’m sure housing costs, mental health, and addiction rates have nothing to do with each other. Just buckle up.”
At press time, Smith was seen driving his grandchildren around Seattle pointing out old spots and bragging about how he purchased a house without even being a lithium-mining tycoon.
