Tired of explaining that they do not live in the District of Columbia or an amorphous city-state that stretches from the Pacific Ocean to Iowa, all Washington State residents announced today that they will be officially changing their residency to the State of Seattle.
The state legislature aims to pass a bill making the name change permanent with unanimous, bipartisan support.
“Look, I know how much it means to constantly reference the name and likeness of a white guy who died almost a century before this state was even founded,” said Representative Joel Kretz (R-Wauconda), who lives 280 miles east of the Space Needle. “And I know Seattle is a liberal hell-hole, but, frankly, I’m tired of fighting the good fight when it comes to explaining where I’m from.”
If the legislation is passed, the name change would go into effect in January 2025.
“Thank God,” said longtime Olympia resident Rainn Noodlebaum. “I mean, whenever I go out-of-state, I already tell people I’m from Seattle, but now people from Seattle who catch me saying it will stop calling me a liar. We’ve all tossed at least one salmon in our lifetime – are we so different, after all?”
In a related move, the legislature has also committed to improving elementary student grades across the country by finally crowning the city of Seattle state capitol.
