Building off the momentum of securing their first visit to the Stanley Cup playoffs last week, today the Seattle Kraken confirmed its late-season signing of former Olympic ice skating legend Tonya Harding as the team’s new goaltender.
“While we’re happy with our unprecedented successes this year, making sure we have a solid goalie ready to go has been a struggle all season and we’re confident Tonya will not only end that struggle but take us all the way to the Finals,” said Kraken Coach Dave Hakstol. “Although this longtime PNW ice-skating virtuoso hasn’t played professionally on the ice in decades and has never professionally played hockey, believe me, the combination of her repressed rage and ability to still do a low sit-spin in full uniform forever basically turns her into an impenetrable tornado in front of the net.”
In addition to almost literally being a force of nature to reckon with, Harding has also more than proven herself as a fighter who can hold her own should things turn dirty on the ice.
“Oh we’re not saying that because we think she did anything to Nancy Kerrigan–it’s because Tonya spent a few years as a professional boxer,” Hakstol said. “Would it be a problem, though, if she knew how to Nancy Kerrigan a few folks for us in the playoffs? I’ll let true hockey fans be the judge of that.”
To ensure Harding helps take the team all the way to a Stanley Cup Final victory, Hakstol assured fans and media she has in fact already been outfitted with indestructible skate shoe laces.
