President Joe Biden sent his approval ratings soaring higher than ever before tonight after using the entirety of his State of the Union speech for an hourlong show-and-tell of what was in the Chinese spy-balloon.
“Okay, gather round, kids—you’re gonna want to see this,” said Biden as several curious Congressional representatives from both sides of the aisle overcame their shyness and approached the House rostrum to get a closer look. “At first, we suspected China had stolen Priyanka Chopra’s wedding dress and pumped it full of helium but, if you cop a feel here, it’s actually just a bunch of weird white plasticky fabric. And if you take a gander at this black Ikea TV stand that looks like they got it used somewhere off Craigslist, you’ll see that the technology on this thing really isn’t as advanced as we first thought. Their ability to put it together and have it last an entire trip across half the globe is, admittedly, a little intimidating though.”
Biden then held up a solar panel that powered the still-mysterious technology inside the spy-balloon.
“You ever seen one of these? It’s called a renewable energy source,” Biden said too ooos and ahhs as astonished House Speaker Kevin McCarthy stood by with his mouth agape. “We fully plan on reprimanding China for trolling us with this to remind us of how much of a bitch we are to them, Russia and Saudi Arabia for energy sources. Other than that, it’s pretty nifty, though, huh guys?”
At press time, another spy-balloon spotted floating over the Capitol was reportedly sent over not by China but from Seattle’s Pacific Science Center by a jealous, FOMO-ridden Bill Nye the Science Guy.
