Just a week after eight beautiful cherry trees lining the entrance to Pike Place Market were butchered right before they were set to blossom this month, today one jealous local Daffodil Day flower admitted to putting the hit on the trees herself.
“It was kind of Mayor Bruce Harrell to attempt covering for me with all that Leonardo DiCaprio ‘past their prime’ bullshit about these 40-year-old historic trees that were absolutely still set to bloom beautifully in another week or two, but that’s not the real reason they got cut down,” the flower said in a recorded confession sent to investigators. “The truth is, those cherry tree blossoms were always trying to upstage us daffodils—and right on time for our annual Daffodil Day no less. The audacity! I was just tired of it. Only one spring flower should be winning this Pike Place Market spring flower pageant every year—and it’s us!”
Prosecutors say the daffodil may face up to a lifetime sentence in a toddler’s crumb-filled overall pockets.
“This city can’t just stand by and watch beautiful, historic trees get so quickly and unceremoniously downed like that, no matter how old or unpruned they’re getting,” said King County Deputy Prosecutor Sean Daniels. “Personally, I like my trees a bit older—they’re still beautiful but with way more character!”
The city will replace the downed cherry trees with elms to henceforth prevent any flower—or plant for that matter—from getting jealous of trees lining the iconic entrance to Pike Place Market.
