After hearing reports about the popularity of the made-in-Seattle utilitarian, un-bifurcated garments, today conservative legislators in Tennessee announced a travel-to-Seattle ban to save their impressionable, young constituents from encountering Utilikilts.
“We have to protect children from all dangerous forms of self-expression and, although we aren’t really sure what Utilikilts are expressing, it definitely makes us uncomfortable,” said Tennessee Governor Bill Lee. “We can’t have the LGBT-Kilt agenda running America and confusing our kids. Next thing we’re planning to get rid of are all images of Jesus with that silky, flowing Jonathan Van Ness hair while wearing that silly, long white dress thing. My next piece of legislation will require Jesus to only be shown with a military haircut and a pair of camo Dungarees like God intended.”
Many Seattleites were dismayed at the news, mostly because of the anti-trans politics behind it, but also because it meant they would now need to become fans of the controversial garment.
“Shit, is it bigoted now to make fun of Utilikilts?” said Amy Neufeld, echoing a sentiment felt by many Seattleites. “I’m still not over the fact that my uncle free-balled one of those to my windy outdoor wedding last summer. I mean, I know that there are some cool Queer people who wear them, but mostly it is straight, cis dudes with gray ponytails who are into Metallica and woodworking, right? Goddamn you, Gov. Lee, for taking making fun of Utilikilts away from me, damn you to hell.”
When photos of the Tennessee governor trying on Utilikilts on a Seattle vacation from years ago resurfaced after the announcement, Gov. Lee defended himself saying he only tried them on to better criticize retail products not made through at least overseas slave labor.
“Utilikilt chorus line” Photo by Tim Pierce published with alterations via CC by 2.0 license
