After years of losing countless holiday weekend sales finds to hours of bumper-to-bumper traffic and driving in hopeless circles, Laurelhurst resident Karen McKarensen confirmed today that this time she’s packing and leaving her home a full day early to find parking for Presidents’ Day weekend sales at U-Village.
“I loaded up the Tesla with one Keto nutrition bar, seven almonds, an extra pair of Lululemon joggers to nap in, and three Starbucks gift cards — one for each location at U-Village,” said McKarensen while double-checking everything on her pack list. “If I camp out a parking spot today, I’ll be able to hit the sales trail first thing in the morning Friday before things get overcrowded at Anthropologie, then hopefully reach my spending summit by midday at glassybaby.”
McKarensen’s family was seen Thursday morning preparing their matriarch for a long weekend of splurging at hotspots such as Sephora, Clare V, and Aritzia. Before embarking, her son Kaleb even plotted out the best route for his mother to make the arduous .12 mile trek to a prized parking spot in front of Hello Robin.
“Gotta stay limber, gotta stay focused,” said Kaleb, star quarterback at O’Dea High School, as he coached his mom through a few stretches and calisthenics before headed out. “As all those wise inspirational gifts at Fireworks always say ‘You got this epic fucking shit, boss-ass bitch mama!”
At press time, McKarensen had reportedly confirmed via text to her son through her cell phone beacon that although the lot she wanted to park in was already full, she did successfully nab one of the last spots at the Warby Parker trailhead overflow lot.
