One of Seattle’s most free-thinking men generously enlightened Broadway QFC staff and customers alike today on the capitalistic evils of Valentine’s Day while picking up Cool Ranch Doritos and Pepsi for his annual Super Bowl Party this weekend.
“Valentine’s Day was created by the evil geniuses at The Hallmark Corporation to show my partner how much I care about them – and that’s some straight-up bullshit,” said Marc Parker adjusting his Nike Seahawks jersey after stiff-arming dozens of two-liter bottles of Pepsi into his cart. “I don’t like being told what to buy or wear or eat by corporate stooges that look at me and only see a dollar sign. I’m not a dollar sign, alright? I’m the 12th Man.”
It was unclear who Parker was speaking to exactly as he remembered to pick up some Budweiser too.
“When you’re as much of a maverick as me, you’re going to ruffle some feathers and the sheeple will swipe left on you,” Parker mused while checking the nutritional information on a brick of Velveeta. “But when it comes to Valentine’s Day, I go Beast Mode, okay? ‘I’m just here so I won’t get fined.’ Oh God that reminds me—Skittles!”
Parker reportedly spent the entire afternoon wandering the aisles, inviting every overworked QFC employee to his Super Bowl Party.
“You should come – the more the merrier! Even if you don’t like football, the commercials are always awesome!”
