At a press conference in front of Climate Pledge Arena today, Governor Jay Inslee announced that he’s officially mandating Santa replace all coal he’s planning to give children on the naughty list with carbon-neutral alternatives by 2030.
“The only way we can save our planet is if everyone chips in, including Santa,” said Gov. Inslee. “Instead of coal, those on the naughty list should receive an equally unlikeable but more eco-friendly gift such as a bag of Sun Chips or a pack of soggy bamboo straws.”
Labor and environmental leaders are calling Inslee’s plan a significant win since it also ensures that elves who make the specialized wet bamboo straws receive guaranteed eggnog breaks and extra gumdrops for overtime. But some hardline parents are concerned about the new direction into shaming their most misbehaved children, calling it an overstep into their parenting rights.
“You can’t take away coal! It’s all parents have left,” shared Judy Kanker from the Take Back Your Lumps coalition. “Inslee has become out-of-touch with what it is like to be a parent in 2022. When we are headed to my in-laws where I know my son will whine about getting another ugly sweater from his grandma, what am I going to threaten him with to get him to behave? If it’s an eco-friendly naughty gift, he’s going to think Santa’s too nice to ruin his Christmas if he isn’t also just as willing to ruin the planet along with it.”
At press time, Santa was reportedly looking into more sustainable coal alternatives, including clean-energy nuclear options.
Image includes adapted photo “Jay Inslee” by Gage Skidmore (CC BY-SA 2.0)
