After an endless volley of Christmas song choruses entered its fifth day at Pike Place Market, today Seattle officials finally called in the National Guard to disrupt an ongoing stalemate at this year’s fierce Great Figgy Pudding Caroling Competition.
“It was only supposed to go a few hours on Figgy Friday night, but then the figlanthropy of several rival caroling teams for the Pike Market Senior Center & Food Bank just got out-of-hand,” said Abbey Taylor, whose grandmother is still reportedly still entrenched somewhere in the fig-zone. “When the Jolly Jovials got to the finale of ‘We Wish you a Merry Christmas’ and just kept repeating ‘We won’t go until we get some,’ their sworn enemies The Merry Misfits battled back with a tortuous and never-ending cycle of ‘The 12 Days of Christmas.’ Full-on madness ensued from there. I fear the only thing that’s going to stop these psychos is raising enough money to cover every single cent of the senior center’s 2023 operations expenses!”
The National Guard regiment rolled in from Interbay following the SPD’s repeated failures to remove the teams from the market.
“We’ve tried nearly everything,” said Seattle police Officer Sheldon Ramirez. “Yelling at ‘em, shooting at the outside of the building … well, that’s it really.”
Several national guard troops, who were not responding to press inquiries during the active removal operation, were seen pulling aluminum pans of emergency pudding from the back of their transports.
Should the National Guard be unsuccessful, anonymous Seattle officials say they may end up employing a last resort that would force all local residents to donate every bit of extra discretionary income they have to the philanthropic event: reassembling supergroup Band-Aid to sing an endless loop of “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
