Today Seattle Parks and Recreation announced its new “You Know What? Fuck It” policy permanently designating all city-owned parks as off-leash dog parks.
“Most park lovers may have noticed that the city unofficially said fuck this literal shit to enforcing leash rules years ago,” said Seattle Parks and Recreation Superintendent AP Diaz at a Cascade Playground press conference. “Today—as we stand now in this muddy mess dogs claimed long ago in an attempt to harvest bones popping out of anyone who actually plays baseball on this field—we’re finally making it official. You want to find out on the fly how your off-leash pooch is around children, other dogs, and wild animals? From now on, we at Seattle Parks officially say fuck it – go for it, dude. Anywhere you want.”
Shortly after the news broke, Seattle parks everywhere were busy with owners throwing up their hands while dogs did whatever they want.
“I’m jazzed about this news,” local dog owner and Amazon programmer Tom Diggly said. “When corporate shut down for COVID, I started to bring my pit bull to Cal Anderson to run free. I’ve heard people complain, but I don’t see what the big deal is. She only knocked down and broke one old lady’s hip. Twinkles is a lover!”
Park officials said by the end of the day, only one pack of huskies had chased terrified pre-schoolers around Discovery Park and one entire koi fish was still alive at the Seattle Japanese Garden. Park staff were still on-hand at Golden Gardens to promptly extinguish beach fires at 10 p.m. but turned a blind eye to Puddles, a chihuahua humping a seal pup.
