Chaos erupted at an Olympia holiday party tonight when former Washington gubernatorial Republican candidate Loren Culp and recently unsuccessful Republican Washington State Representative candidate Joe Kent both said they refused to concede the event’s Ugly Christmas Sweater Competition to 8-year-old Timmy Smalls.
“I think there were significant voting anomalies happening here tonight that should not be seen in a free and fair holiday party,” said Culp while filling his pockets with coconut shrimp. “Let me ask you this: If my ‘Jesus is my wingman’ sweatshirt couldn’t place in the top 50, does that sound like this is on the level? I’m going to be raising money to challenge both the results of this shameful contest and also the trespassing charge the hosts have been threatening me with for the last half-hour.”
Kent said he would not accept the results that Timmy’s home-made bejeweled sweatshirt had won the competition either.
“Several ballots were not returned to the punch bowl on time, and everyone knows damn well Timmy rigged this election with countless ukulele Jingle Bells performances,” said Kent, who lost a state house district this year that Trump won by 4%. “On top of that, his sweater is technically a holiday sweater, not a Christmas sweater–grounds for immediate disqualification. Rest assured I vow to challenge this election until I’ve creeped out and scared off every last party guest.”
At press time, multiple calls for a recount were unsuccessful even after multiple calls for support from the recent former president went unanswered.
