Financially struggling small businesses across the city are hailing Seattle resident Henry Rudolph today as a #SmallBusinessSaturday hero for somehow eating the city’s entire supply of local burgers, donuts and ice cream pints in a single day.
“I’m just doing my part,” said Rudolph, licking his fingers after eating his first box of King Donuts. “When so many of our local businesses are recovering from the pandemic, bingeing as much of the city’s locally-made treats is the least I could do.”
Rudolph reportedly slogged morning, afternoon and night across the city to save as many local burger, donut and ice cream businesses as possible.
“I don’t know how he does it,” said Full Tilt cashier Julie Evergreen as she witnessed Rudolph down three pints of Mayan Chocolate before leaving with their entire stock of ice cream. “Thank you! Thank you, sir, you couldn’t be more gracious.”
Although clearing out Uneeda Burger completed his rescue mission for the day, rumors are that he may emerge again with more heroics next Saturday beginning at Hood Famous to start eating the city’s entire supply of cheesecakes, cookies and cupcakes.
