Just days before the Seattle Kraken’s first regular season home game this Saturday a disturbing new scientific study out today says that the ice at Climate Pledge Arena could completely melt by the end of the season.
“I’m afraid it’s true – somehow not even naming an arena Climate Pledge can stop it from happening,” said UW climate scientist Bradley Oliver. “By the end of April, we’re nearly 100% certain the arena will be facing a host of natural disasters, including Kid Rock and Nickelback concerts.”
The news shocked thousands of locals who really thought Amazon had dedicated itself to fighting climate change.
“I mean, I knew they didn’t give a shit about the actual planet, but I thought they could at least handle making sure Climate Pledge Arena remained a fancy, year-long refrigerator for hockey players and whoever the hell is really buying those $16 beers,” said Queen Anne resident Heather Perkins. “And what about Buoy? Where will he be banished to – Mount Rainier? The Big Four Ice Caves? Actually, you know, I’m suddenly feeling a lot less broken up about this.”
At press time, Seattle residents said they hoped the climate change melting ice caps inside and outside the arena would at least raise seawater levels high enough to finally allow a real Kraken mascot to someday enter the building.
