As the sun sets on Seattle, the dreary elements, seasonal depression and packs of wild raccoons descend rapidly on our fair city. The warm glow of your home will call out to you, its coziness crying out like a siren temptress. Sometimes, though, you will question whether you should cling so tightly to this coziness, or part from her, and venture into the out of doors. We here at The Needling have done the painstaking research, through the dreariest of seasons, to compile the ultimate Seattle guide to whether your coziness warrants cancelling plans. Here are our 15 verified signs that you are too cozy to go out tonight.
1) Did you sit in a chair?
Did you come home, sit down, and damn, it just felt really good? You love sitting down. Did you know that sitting down is 100,000,000 times more comfortable than standing up and going outside? Ten out of 10 people agree that they are more cozy when they are sitting on their ass and not going outside. Stay sitting down. Don’t ever get up again. Your ass will eventually fuse with the seat and you will have a chair shaped ass that some cultures find very attractive, but I’m not sure exactly which ones. You are way too cozy to go out tonight.
2) Do you have soup?
I like soup. Do you have some soup in your kitchen or pantry? Soup is a cozy snack, you know. If you have soup, you are doing yourself a disservice by not eating it right now. Soup is the answer to all obligations outside your front door. Soup makes you feel safe and warm from the inside out. Soup will never abandon you when you need it most and go gallivanting off to France with Jennifer. Soup is an ally and a confidant in a liquid form. Soup does not judge you. Eat some soup, then you’ll definitely be too cozy to go out. Soup, soupy, soup, soup, soup.
3) Are you wearing pajamas?
Do you even wear pajamas? Are you one of those people who wears giant ugly t-shirts to bed? You are, aren’t you? Are you wearing a t-shirt right now? Well that’s basically pajamas, so you are too cozy to go out.
4) Have you seen that one episode of Friends?
You know the one. It’s that one where the white person does some kooky thing and the laugh track plays and then you laugh and the weight of the world falls off your shoulders because you have a home and a bed and are not systematically oppressed? Oh yeah, you gotta watch that one again. It is the best one. Stay home. Your cracker ass is way too cozy to go out tonight.
5) Are you wearing a soft sweater?
Are you draped in a soft sweater? The type of sweater that almost makes you believe God is real and wants you to be happy? Who else but the Divine Creator, He Who Drinks of the Lamb, the Rector of the Pit could create an animal with fur this soft to be woven into a sweater of this gluttonous coziness? Do you fantasize about becoming one with the sweater? So shall it be: You are definitely too cozy to go out.
6) Does your body double as a napping vessel for children and animals?
Do you find yourself buried, like some ancient pharaoh of comfort, beneath a pyramid of sleeping cats, dogs, toddlers, neighbors, and door-to-door solicitors? Does your mere presence cause others to flutter their eyelids and fluff your shoulder like a pillow before passing out? Submit to your true calling. You are definitely too cozy to go out.
7) Is it warmer in your house than it is outside?
Congratulations, you are an adult person that has managed to afford an electric or gas bill. Good for you, you rich piece of shit, who is definitely not a writer. It is certainly warmer in your home than it is out there on the cold streets of Seattle. Just look at it out there. The sheer number of layers you would have to wear to mimic the temperature in your ivory tower would just make you look swollen. Don’t go outside. You’re not a peasant, and you are definitely too cozy to go out.
8) Did you just figure out what Hygge is?
Wow, a little late to the party, but better late than never. Besides the fact that you’ll need to burn about 100 pounds of candle wax before you can find your front door again, you are way too Scandinavian now to emerge from your Hygge nest for at least a few months. You are definitely too cozy to go out.
9) Do you have alcohol in your house?
You know, alcohol, when left too long, can ferment and go bad. A lot of people don’t know that. So, if you have any alcohol at all, it is imperative that you drink it right now — all of it. If you don’t drink that alcohol tonight, it will be wasted and your grandmother will find out and she will shame you in the way that only grandmothers can shame you about wasting things. “There are sober children in China!” she’ll screech. Chug that shit, then call your grandma. She misses you, and you are way too cozy to go out.
10) You know what I heard?
There is a gang of local con-artists luring unsuspecting residents out into a decidedly much less cozy atmosphere and therein robbing them of all residual coziness? I knew this guy whose brother went outside one time and woke up in a tub full of ice without his kidney and all his coziness GONE. This coziness crime ring was featured on an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and they still haven’t caught these guys. So don’t be a dope, preserve your coziness, stay inside. You are much too cozy to go out.
11) Did something new come out on Netflix?
Was there a thing you meant to watch, or were you recently told by a friend “you gotta fuckin’ see, man,” that happens to be streaming on Netflix? Unless you have an all-consuming desire to be a social outcast, you have an obligation to watch that thing. Watching the movie your mailman swears is going to “blow your whole ass out” is both a threat and a verbal agreement between yourself and a federal official. Unless you crave the dark solace of a prison term, put down a towel, make some popcorn and watch the thing, dummy. You are definitely too cozy to go out.
12) Are you trapped inside a painting in an old Victorian mansion?
Were you murdered by a contemptuous governess and must now haunt that mansion for all eternity? Did you report the ne’erdowell governess to the bobbies but those mutton shunters did nothing to halt your unfortunate demise? Are you constantly having to be spooky even when you’re not feeling particularly spooky? Are you the victim of a most batty-fang, cadaverous fate which turned your flesh to bow wow mutton? Why don’t you get half-rats and mad as hops, since you are clearly too cozy to go mafficking.
13) Are you high right now?
Were you thinking of getting high? Were you so high that you forgot you already got high? A night in is the perfect opportunity to use those leftover horse tranquilizers you’ve had sitting around. My uncle told me that if you watch Inception backwards on horse tranquilizers it actually makes sense. The sun is setting, your sobriety is on its way out, and you are much too cozy to go out.
14) Are you Hathor, the cow goddess?
Have you crossed the boundary between the world of the living and the realm of the dead to materialize as a lioness, cobra, or sycamore tree? Are you a deity that descended from the sky to watch over humans while they are very clearly fucking everything up? Have you taken a sabbatical from assisting souls in the afterlife because you heard Seattle’s legal cannabis tourism was hella lit? Are you bout to get fucked up hot-boxing the Temple of the Fourth Udder with the rest of your all female priesthood? Traipsing through the incense and semi-precious stones of your followers in search of flaming hot Takis? Girl, you lit AF, you know you too cozy to go out tonight.
15) Are you a pupa about to emerge from the final stage of metamorphosis?
Were you just resting, suspended under a branch, building your strength to emerge as a magnificent butterfly? Had you been gorging on buds and leaves to harness enough energy for chrysalis? I don’t want to tell you your business, and I don’t know if you understand English, but that sounds pretty cozy. Snuggle up in that cocoon and wait til your wings develop. Until then, you’re too cozy to go out.
Are you standing in front of your fridge, crying, and eating fistfuls of cheese?
You’re not even putting the cheese on anything? Like crackers or a tortilla at least? What’s wrong with you? You’ll never settle down and get married if you keep making out with cheese logs. Do you want me to tell your mom? I think you do actually need to go out. Put some pants on and get the fuck out there.
